


Jon is too Difficult to Love

by 3_modes_Ace_Kat



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:33:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25017826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3_modes_Ace_Kat/pseuds/3_modes_Ace_Kat
Summary: Someone should have told Jon that ripping out the roots of himself wouldn’t give him branches to climb
Comments: 10
Kudos: 43





	Jon is too Difficult to Love

Jon knows he’s an asshole. 

For a while, he tried to change. It was after Georgie, after he lost what could conceivably be the best thing in his life because he was too much. Too loud, too snappish,too piercing and just plain to difficult to deal with. 

He knows there are things that he gets a pass for that he genuinely shouldn’t, being male, even if he isn’t white. He has the accent to back up his poshness and everything sounds so much better in it, even when he’s vulgar. 

For a while, he tried to change. Tried to be softer, gentler, kinder. And it was, shockingly, easy. Because he actually likes being kind and soft and gentle. He’d just had no practice at it. And it was fine when he could turn it on a partner and shower them in all his starved affection. It’s when he received affection that something went wrong and twisted in his head. Because he didn’t deserve to receive affection. He was too much, too sharp, too cutting, too brusque. Why would anyone love him, even deign to offer him a kind word when he was so horrible? When he couldn’t even do a partner the decency of letting them get him off? 

So Jon boxes that soft part of him up and shoved it in a tiny corner of his mind. Except it keeps slipping out. He can’t *help* it. Reading people is hard, a language he only knows the barest strokes off, learned far too late in life to be anything approaching fluent. He’s spent too long licking love off of knives to know how to do anything more. 

When he has a clear line, a boundary someone has established, he tries desperately hard to abide by it. He even has a little notebook, of them. It’s in code, because even he’s not that crass, but he keeps little notes. Little things he knows people like and don’t like, so that he can offer them up a tiny tributes of care. 

Jon is too difficult to love. The thoughts circles his mind like a brand, scraping at the edges of his soul until the only thing he can do is sink ragged fingernails into his own arms and shove a pillow in his mouth to scream. It doesn’t help. 

He’s still human. He still craves human contact, human affection. He hasn’t been touched in years and he knows, knows deep down in his bones that his case of skin hunger is nearly past the point of skin starvation and into the point of no return. He doesn’t know what will happen when he gets there. 

Maybe he’ll finally crawl into the small stuffy closet, full of prim outfits that act as a shield for his too trusting, too easily broken heart, and shake himself apart at the seams. He’s made a point, a game of making sure no one would care enough to come find him if he went. 

On bad days, he rolls over, looks at the closet, and almost crawls. 

In the end, the only thing that prevents him is the soul deep knowledge that he doesn’t deserve such comfort. So instead he puts his clothes on, whatever is closest, and tries not to sprint out the door. 

Jon is too difficult to love. His grandmother had always told him to make wishes to the universe, and if it could it would deliver. Once, fresh out of Uni and heartbreak, he’s asked what happens if the universe didn’t provide. She’d looked at him, all piercing hawk eyes and tartly informed him that it meant there was no such person that could handle him in the universe. Jon agrees with her, and on bad days, he torments himself with the knowledge that serial killers can find partners, and have a semblance of love. But. Jon is too difficult to love. 

And he’ll take that knowledge with him to his grave.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me just project all over Jon


End file.
